Finding What's Real
by turtleback
Summary: This story is set prior to Season 1, when Jane first goes after Hoyt, with a twist in some of the details about Hoyt's attack on Jane, and provides a different take on how Jane and Maura meet and get to know one another. Chapter 3 posted.
1. Chapter 1

**Finding What's Real**

Chapter 1

Pairing: Jane/Maura  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles do not belong to me.

 _A/N: This is a different take on the Jane-Hoyt story and how Jane and Maura meet. I think it's a little different than what I normally do, but I had this idea and wanted to see how it played out. There will be a few chapters, probably on the shorter side._

 _Hoyt is playing games with Jane's head in this story, so if that's not your thing, don't read on._

* * *

 _Jane sat on the red and white checkered blanket that was spread out over the grass underneath a large maple tree. There was no one else around, other the man slowly walking toward her carrying a picnic basket. She couldn't see his face yet, but she felt unmistakably happy that he was coming._

 _Jane looked down. She was barefoot and wearing a white sundress with a yellow pattern. She raised her hand to her exposed neck. Her long hair was pinned up in a bun._

 _A shadow crossed over the blanked as the man arrived and said, "Hello, Jane."_

 _"Charles, you made it," Jane heard herself say._

 _"I'll always find you, Jane."_

 _The man started taking food out of the picnic basket and laying it on the blanket. He turned towards Jane and smiled._

 _A vision flashed through Jane's mind of this same man's face hovering over her and sneering. She looked down at her dress and the blanket again and said, "This isn't right."_

 _The man, who her brain kept telling her was called Charles, said sweetly,"What's wrong, dear?"_

 _Jane shook her head. "I shouldn't be here."_

 _"I promised you a picnic in the park, remember?" he said, his impatience starting to show._

 _Jane tried to stand up but couldn't move from her spot on the blanket. "This is all wrong," she said angrily. "I know who you are. This can't be happening. I wouldn't be here, wherever this is, with you."_

 _"Damnit, Jane!" The man yelled. "You're mine. Why won't you get that through your head?"_

Jane's eyes shot open. She tried to sit up but someone was holding her down. The loud beeping, the smell of disinfectant hitting her nose, and the team of people rushing around her, all reminded Jane that she was in the hospital.

A voice to her right said, "Pulse is 155. 170 systolic."

There was more conversation, words Jane couldn't quite understand. She tried to say something as one of the nurses started fiddling with her IV and she realized that they were giving her more medication, but before she could manage to talk, she felt the drugs pulling her under again.

* * *

The next time Jane woke up she wasn't disoriented, but there was a stranger sitting in her room. "Who are you?" she asked, her voice even raspier than usual.

"Hello, Detective Rizzoli. I'm Dr. Maura Isles."

"Are you a shrink?"

"No. I'm a pathologist."

"Do pathologists usually check on patients?

"No, they don't and you aren't my patient. I'm the new Chief Medical Examiner of Massachusetts."

"Oh, right," Jane said slowly, a memory from a few weeks ago surfacing. "I remember getting a memo or something. You just started right?"

"Yes, last week."

"What are you doing here? In case you haven't noticed, I'm still alive."

"Oh, um-" Maura fumbled.

"Sorry. That was a terrible joke."

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have surprised you like this," Maura said, standing and smoothing out her skirt nervously.

"Stop, please, it's fine. The only people who visit me are my mother, who just cries the whole time, and my brothers, who don't know what to do or say. You must have come here for a reason, and if not, the least you can do is entertain me."

Maura sat back down, smiling self-consciously. "I did want to talk to you about something related to, well, why you're here."

"Okay."

"Has anyone told you there was lysergic acid diethylamide, commonly known as LSD, in your system when you were brought to the hospital?"

Jane shook her head. "No. No one has told me much of anything so far actually, or I can't remember if they have. They've got me on a bunch of pain meds."

"I'm curious about what the purpose of the LSD was. Your attacker…"

"Charles Hoyt," Jane said flatly. "You can say his name."

Maura continued, "I'm curious why he used the drug on you. It wasn't found in any of his other victims."

"How do you know that?"

"I've reviewed the autopsy reports on all of Charles Hoyt's victims. I would like your permission to review your full medical record as well."

"Why?"

"First and foremost, I want to make sure you're getting the best medical care possible."

Jane waved her heavily bandaged hands. "I think they've got me covered there."

Maura nodded. "I have great confidence in your surgical team, although I'd still like to read their notes, just to be sure. I'm actually more concerned with your psychological well-being."

Jane made a disbelieving face. "What exactly are you worried about?"

"I wasn't in the medical examiner's office, as you are well aware, for all of the previous cases that are believed to be tied to Hoyt. I've looked at the autopsy reports, but I don't know the full history. I want to know if he changed his routine with you or if something was missed in his other victims."

"Please stop referring to me as one of his victims," Jane interjected. "I was tracking him down. I-" she sighed heavily before continuing. "I'm not entirely sure what happened, how he got the drop on me, but just…I'm not a victim."

"I'm-" Maura shook her head. "Of course. I'm looking at these details because if a mistake was made by anyone in the Medical Examiner's office that allowed Hoyt to continue attacking people, I intend to make sure those problems are corrected and that people are held accountable." She took a deep breath and continued, "You were gone for almost forty-eight hours. Do you remember anything?"

"Not really. Not until the end, after he-" Jane trailed off, raising her hands limply.

"I had a tox screen performed when you first arrived at the hospital as part of the investigation. Hoyt gave you a sedative called propofol, which is often used during medical procedures. You would have been unaware of anything happening while under the influence of propofol. It probably affected your memory of that time and could potentially have affected memories before and after the administration of the drug. Combined with the LSD…well...I don't like to speculate."

"What are you thinking?" Jane pressed.

"LSD is typically known for causing altered perceptions of reality and hallucinations. The effects can be varied, causing feelings ranging from extreme euphoria to panic attacks and paranoia. I have no idea how much you were given. I want you to be aware that it is possible you could still experience hallucinations, panic attacks, or other symptoms even though the drug isn't in your system anymore."

"You're thinking about something else though, aren't you?"

Reluctantly, Maura continued, "The CIA, and others, conducted experiments, trying to use LSD for mind control. My hypothesis, although I really want to stress that this is only a hypothesis, is that Hoyt's combination of LSD and propofol was a crude attempt at mind control, or altering not just your perception, but your understanding of reality."

Jane took a long time before responding, "Yeah, fine, you can look at whatever medical records you want."

"Have you experienced anything in the past few days-"

"No," Jane said, cutting Maura off. "But there's something you can do for me too while you're looking at my records. Find out what drugs they've got me on in here and figure out how to get me off of them as quickly as possible."

Maura nodded in agreement. "I should go and let you rest. I'll let you know what I find after reviewing your records."

Maura moved to leave but turned back when Jane said, "Dr. Isles?"

"Please, call me Maura."

"Why are you really doing all of this?"

"For the reasons I already told you." Maura came to stand at the side of Jane's bed. "I have heard a lot about you already," she said with a smile. "Separate from this case, I mean. When I first met with Lieutenant Cavanaugh he gave me a synopsis of all of the homicide detectives. He said you would be, well, the phrase he used was 'a pain in my ass.' He said that was because you expect a lot out of the people you work with and you have very high standards. I told him that I highly doubted you had higher standards than mine."

Jane laughed a little at that.

Maura cautiously reached out and rested a hand on Jane's forearm, just above where the bandages covering Jane's hands stopped, and Jane was surprised at how comforting Maura's warm hand felt. "You risked your life to take down Hoyt. I don't know anything about what happened, only that you saved another woman's life, getting her free even after he captured you. I'm not risking anything being here. I'm trying to help in the only way I can. It is the very least I can do after everything you did."

"Everything I did was stupid. I should've waited for back-up, or at least checked in with my partner before going in alone."

"Why didn't you?" Maura asked.

"I couldn't wait, knowing he was holding someone captive and that she could be killed at any moment. If I had called it in, I would have been instructed to wait and I knew I wouldn't have followed those instructions."

"Would you do it the same way again?"

"Yes," Jane answered without having to think about it at all.

Maura gave a light squeeze to Jane's arm. "I'll see you again soon if that's okay with you?"

"Sure. That would be nice."


	2. Chapter 2

**Finding What's Real**

Chapter 2

Pairing: Jane/Maura  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles do not belong to me.

 _ **A/N:** Normally I don't apologize for long delays between posting chapters because this is just for fun and life happens. But I am sorry that this second chapter took so long. I ran into a number of difficulties. I know where I'm going with the story but getting there is a challenge._

* * *

 _Jane sat in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Wait staff and other patrons moved around her but her focus was entirely on the man sitting across from her, almost as if she couldn't turn her gaze away._

 _She took a sip of the glass of champagne in front of her. Then made a face at the taste. Champaign wasn't something she would normally drink. A waiter appeared with food that she didn't remember ordering._

 _The restaurant was dimly lit with candles on each table. The light from the flame flickered across the face of the man sitting across from her. His scowl turned into the facsimile of a smile as he said, "Ah, your favorite dish from your favorite restaurant, Jane."_

 _"I don't remember ever coming here before," Jane said._

 _The man struggled to maintain his smile as he said, "Don't be silly. You're such a joker, Jane. Always making jokes."_

 _Jane shook her head. "I'm not joking." She looked down at her plate and struggled to figure out what the dish was supposed to be. A hand on her wrist made her look up again and across the table._

 _"I love you, Jane," Charles Hoyt said._

 _Jane stared at him. Her mind felt foggy. She couldn't put together all of the pieces of why she was in this restaurant with this man. She looked around the unfamiliar restaurant again and then said, "I don't even know you."_

 _His grip tightened on her wrist. "Why do you have to be so difficult? This could be so much easier, Jane."_

* * *

Jane awoke to feeling of someone's hand holding her shoulder against the bed and voice speaking softly and slowly saying, "Jane, you're okay. It's Maura. Just concentrate on the sound of my voice and taking long slow breaths, okay? Just breathe in slowly. And out slowly. You're still in the hospital. Nothing has changed. You're completely safe. Keep breathing nice and slow. You're doing great."

This continued for another minute, with Maura repeating her breathing instructions, until Jane's heart rate evened out. Maura stayed perched on the side of the bed, her hand on Jane's upper arm, calmly issuing instructions until Jane opened her eyes.

Jane raised her eyebrows and said, "You're here again."

"Yes, I am." Maura removed her hand from Jane's arm and stood. She smoothed out her skirt then moved to sit in the chair facing the bed.

"I started to wonder if I had imagined you. My memory is…" Jane waved a hand limply, "off."

"It's probably due to some of the medications you've received."

"You looked at my charts," Jane said, more a statement than a question as she vaguely recalled their last conversation.

Maura nodded. "There have been a few…episodes, while you've been in the hospital. I don't know what to call them but I believe they were probably similar to what I just witnessed."

Jane could see Maura's discomfort with the conversation but was more concerned about getting information. "What happened today?"

"I was here for maybe ten minutes while you were sleeping and then your heart rate and blood pressure started rising. I started talking to you because I didn't want the doctors to give you another dose of drugs to calm you down, which they've done several times. That's why the doctors haven't discharged you yet. The combination of drugs can cause you to have trouble remembering things that happen in the few hours after receiving them. I'm more concerned about the drugs on top of the recent LSD in your system than the panic attacks, nightmares- whatever is happening while you're sleeping."

"I need to get out of here," Jane said seriously.

Maura sighed and said, "I'm generally not in favor of patients acting against medical advice, but in this case I happen to agree with you, which is why I'm here today. I wanted to have this discussion with you. Is there someone who can help you at home? From what I saw in the notes, the doctors are happy with the progress with the wounds on your hands, but you are going to have to be careful to allow them to continue healing, and you'll need to be able to get to and from physical therapy and check-ups."

"Yeah, my Ma will help," Jane said. "Shit, she'll probably move right in with me and I'll never get rid of her."

Maura continued, "If it's alright with you, I'd like to go talk to the attending physician and, as you put it, get you out of here."

"You can do that?"

"It's not exactly standard procedure, but I'm going to go at least have a conversation."

"Yeah, um, please, thank you."

Maura left the room and waited at the nurses station until the attending physician was available to speak with her, at which point she voiced her opinion on Jane's care and next steps in no uncertain terms until the doctor agreed that Jane could be discharged that day and no additional sedatives would be administered.

When she went back into the room, Jane was sitting on the edge of the bed trying to pull on a pair of jeans. "Oh, what are you doing?" she exclaimed.

"Getting out of here, like we said."

"I didn't mean it was going to happen immediately. Things move slowly in hospitals. But please stop, you're going to hurt yourself. Let me help you." Before Jane could say anything in response, Maura knelt and had the legs of the jeans over her feet. "Stand up." Jane stood, resting a bandaged hand on Maura's shoulder for stability and Maura finished pulling the jeans over her waist and buttoning them." She stood and said, "You seem to already have forgotten to be careful."

"Sorry. I could have mostly done that myself though. Just not the buttons."

"Were these pants always this loose or have you lost weight?" Maura asked.

Jane shrugged. "Lost weight I guess."

Maura frowned as she grabbed the t-shirt Jane had out and passed it to her. "You're probably still feeling some effects of the sedatives so I'd feel better helping you right now. I've cleared your discharge with the attending, by the way. A nurse will be by with the paperwork soon. But sometimes 'soon' can turn into hours if they have to attend to other patients."

"Thanks," Jane said sheepishly while she turned around somewhat shyly to remove the hospital gown and slip the t-shirt over her head. Maura then helped her into a hoodie and zipped it up. "I called my Ma," Jane then said. "She's on her way."

Maura gave her a raised eyebrow. "I'm surprised you didn't break out of here already without my help."

"Yeah…I'm a little off my game."

"Well," Maura said, moving away from Jane. "I guess you're all set then." She picked up her purse and pulled out a business card and a pen. She wrote her cell phone number on the back of it before handing it to Jane. "Call me if you have any questions or if I can be of any help."

Jane nodded.

* * *

A few weeks later Maura walked into Boston police headquarters and almost collided with Jane at the elevators. "Jane! Hello, it's nice to see you. How are you?"

"Hey, Maura. Um, I'm good." She held up her hands, which only had light bandages over the healing stab wounds, and wiggled her fingers. "The physical therapy is going pretty well."

"That's wonderful," Maura said beaming.

"So, uh, I never properly thanked you for everything you did for me."

Maura shook her head. "There's no need."

"Yes," Jane interjected. "I think there is. I, um…" Jane trailed off, looking around her at the people passing through the lobby.

"I was just on my way to my office. Do you want to come downstairs with me so we can talk somewhere more privately."

Jane nodded and then followed Maura down to the morgue and through the lab to her office, which had been entirely redecorated since Jane had last been in it under the previous medical director. She took in the new decorations and furniture, then bypassed a horribly uncomfortable looking chair and took a seat on the couch.

Maura perched easily on the odd shaped chair and waited patiently for Jane to speak.

"I'm sorry I didn't contact you already. I honestly don't remember everything that happened in the hospital. I was kinda embarrassed that you saw me like that. And I wasn't really sure how to thank you."

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"How you'd know how to help me calm down by talking to me?" Jane asked.

Maura took a deep breath. "I worked for a year in a refugee camp in Ethiopia. It was common to have patients with post-traumatic stress disorder, or panic attacks, or just nightmares. We didn't have enough drugs to use unless it was a critical situation, so we had to do the best we could with what we did have, which was mostly just ourselves. "

"Wow, that's very impressive."

"I don't know about impressive. I was simply trying to do the best I could to help people. I've used the breathing technique myself when I've needed to and find it to be effective. But may I ask why you were here today? Are you coming back to work already?"

Jane shook her head. "Hopefully I'll get cleared for desk duty soon. I need to make a little more progress with physical therapy first, and I have a ways to go before I'll be able to shoot a gun and get back in the field. But, uh, today I was here to go over the Hoyt case files to prepare for the trial."

"He's going to trial?" Maura asked in surprise.

"Of course. He'll try to drag things out as long as possible and cause as much havoc as he can. And there's no deal to be made anyway. He needs to go to prison for life, nothing less. The District Attorney is trying to move the court dates along as quickly as possible. It gives me something to focus on while I can't work."

"Why don't you come over for dinner some time this week?" Maura said. "That's something you can do."

"I'm supposed to be trying to thank you for your help. You feeding me doesn't really seem like me thanking you."

"It absolutely is. I would enjoy your company."

Jane laughed lightly. "You may change your mind about that, but I can hold eating utensils all on my own now so you won't have to spoon feed me and I won't make a mess."

Maura's expression turned more serious. "You don't have to use humor to deflect from your injuries with me."

"I guess I don't. You've seen all of my medical files. I don't have any secrets from you right now."

"I meant that you don't have to hide anything because I'm not going to judge you. And there are plenty of things I don't know about you yet."

Jane took a moment to respond, holding Maura's gaze. "Are you always so direct and honest?"

"Yes."

"Good to know. But yes, I'll come over for dinner."

"Tomorrow? Seven o'clock?"

"Yeah, sure. I don't think I have a choice at this point," Jane joked. Jane left Maura with her cell phone number so she could text her the address and they said their goodbyes for the day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Finding What's Real**

Chapter 3

Pairing: Jane/Maura  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles do not belong to me.

* * *

Maura looked herself over in the mirror and then sighed. She was overdressed for dinner in her own home with a friend, or colleague, or whatever she and Jane were. She had gone to see Jane in the hospital the first time because she wanted to be helpful, to the case and to her colleague, but she couldn't deny that the interest she now felt towards Jane Rizzoli was more than collegial. Jane was still recovering, though, and Maura wasn't going to push anything. She was simply going to signal her interest enough that it should be apparent if Jane wanted to look for it.

Maura considered herself an expert on reading facial expressions, one of many fields of study she found interesting in general and also for possible forensic applications. The look on Jane's face when Maura answered her door in the green dress that hugged her curves and showed off a bit of cleavage was encouraging.

The first thing Jane said after looking Maura up and down was, "I think I'm underdressed."

"No you aren't," Maura replied. "You look great." Which she did. Jane wore a pair of jeans, which Maura noted didn't hang off Jane's slender frame the way they had at the hospital, and a black button down shirt. Although Maura did notice the dark circles under Jane's eyes.

"I brought some beer," Jane said, holding up a six pack.

"Thank you," Maura said, taking as Jane entered the house. "I just opened a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc from one of my favorite vineyards, but would you prefer a beer?"

"Uh, no, a small glass of wine is fine. I shouldn't drink too much right anyway," Jane said, following Maura towards the kitchen. "You have a nice house."

"Thank you. Obviously I haven't been here long, but I like it so far." Maura poured two glasses of wine and passed one to Jane.

"Thanks for having me," Jane said, holding up her glass to clink against Maura's before taking a sip.

"I should have asked you about food preferences or allergies," Maura rambled a bit. "I made swordfish with quinoa and grilled vegetables. Is that okay?"

"I'm not allergic to anything, and when someone else is making the food, I'm not very picky. I'm sure it will be great," Jane responded.

"Take a seat, I'll bring your plate over," Maura said, gesturing towards the dining table set with two places across from each other.

"So…" Jane said once Maura was seated across from her and they had started eating. "Um, how was your day?"

"It was productive. We haven't been too busy this week so I was able to catch up on some paperwork today."

"Are you working on any interesting cases right now?" Jane asked.

Maura thought for a moment and then smiled and said, "There is one complicated case actually. I haven't determined the cause of death yet or whether or not it was a homicide."

Jane's eyes lit up. "Oh, tell me the details. The guys wouldn't talk to me about any open cases and I'm bored out of my mind."

Maura laughed but then stopped when Jane wasn't laughing and said, "Are you being serious?"

"Yeah, I'm seriously bored. And maybe I can help."

"Well, I guess it can't hurt if you really want to hear about it." Jane nodded and Maura continued, "There was no obvious cause of death. The victim had been dead for several days when he was found with no visible injuries. He was found in the wooded area along Jamaicaway north of Jamaica Pond. We haven't established if he died there or was dumped there after death. The autopsy didn't reveal cardiac arrest or any other organ failure. He was relatively young. I've sent blood, urine, and tissue samples out for toxicology testing. Until those results come back I'm out of ideas."

Jane frowned. "See, this is the type of case I can't help with at all. It's all science-y. Don't you have anything like a stabbing with a weird shaped unidentified object that I can speculate on?"

"No, I don't. Sorry. For me, this type of case is far more challenging, and therefore interesting. It's up to me to determine if a homicide has taken place and so far I have no idea. I have to use every tool I can think of to make a determination. Other cases, where the cause of death is straightforward, I do the autopsy and simply pass on the case to the detectives."

"Do you ever wish you could follow through on those cases more?" Jane asked.

"My primary interest is the science and what we can learn from the human body. But sure, sometimes I suppose I do wish I could be more involved in some of the other details of investigations, particularly with difficult cases."

"You were with me. Not that I was a case, or a difficult case," Jane amended uneasily, "but you got involved."

"I did. I probably shouldn't have gotten as involved as I did. It really wasn't within my job description."

"Yes, you should have," Jane replied, holding Maura's gaze for a moment, before saying lightly, "Okay, they don't have to be difficult or even interesting, just tell me about some of your other recent cases, so I can pretend I'm back at work."

Maura pretended to consider the request a moment, but then smiled widely, and began a detailed account of several recent cases while Jane asked occasional questions and offered her theories. Time passed as they talked, with both women finding an easy camaraderie like they had worked together for a long time, until an awkward silence fell over them at the end of discussing one of the cases.

Jane had been leaning forward over the table and now she sat back and said, "Well, anyway, this food was delicious. Thank you. Let me help you clean up," she said, reaching across the table to take Maura's plate.

"Oh, no, there's no need," Maura protested. "I don't want you to injure your hands."

"Maura, my hands are actually fine, and I'm supposed to do light tasks," Jane said, carrying the dishes to the kitchen sink.

Maura followed her, bringing their empty wine glasses with her. "You can just put them in the sink and I'll take care of them. Would you like another glass of wine?"

"I think I'm okay. It was, uh, nice though. Thanks. I had a really nice time tonight, Maura."

"Me too."

"I should probably head home. I'm sure you need to be up early for work."

"Jane?" Maura said hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind if I took a look at the wounds on your hands?"

"I don't mind, I guess, but why?" Jane asked, somewhat bemused.

"I'm sure you're having regular check-ups but I'd like to make sure everything looks like it is progressing properly. And, I have to admit that there is a selfish reason as well."

Jane gave her a confused look.

"I've never seen an injury like yours with scalpel punctures through both sides the hand," Maura said sheepishly.

"So this is a scientific inquiry?"

"Yes."

"Weird, but okay," Jane said.

"I'm going to grab a few supplies so I can dress the wounds after," Maura said, before disappearing briefly down the hallway.

When Maura returned to the kitchen, Jane leaned back against the counter and let her unwrap the bandages on both hands. Maura gently held Jane's right hand and bent close to examine the healing wound on Jane's palm. Her thumb gently traced around the scar beginning to form.

While Maura continued her examination of both hands, Jane took the opportunity to freely look at Maura, who was too focused on Jane's hands to notice. Maura smelled wonderful, which Jane had already noticed tonight. Her dress accentuated every curve, and showed more than a hint of cleavage from this angle. Only now could Jane see the spatter of freckles across Maura's chest.

"Are you left handed?" Maura asked.

"Yes, how could you tell?"

"Slight differences in the muscles in your hands and wrists. The wounds appear to be healing nicely. It's remarkable you've recovered so much range of motion so quickly. Are you having much pain?"

Jane was suddenly struck with the memory of Maura talking to her in the hospital with a comforting hand on her arm, and how the mere presence of this woman made her feel warm and relaxed. "It's not too bad right now."

Maura carefully re-bandaged Jane's hands with telfa, gauze, and tape. When she started to turn away, Jane put her hands on Maura's waist and pulled her back. She leaned in and pressed her lips against Maura's.

Jane briefly pulled back with a smile on her lips when she felt Maura's soft lips responding and kissing her back. Maura moved her hands around Jane's neck and pulled her closer. Jane's fingers twitched against the fabric of Maura's dress as they resumed kissing.

Jane relaxed into the kiss as Maura deepened it. Unbidden an image of Charles Hoyt leaning in to kiss her popped into Jane's head. Her eyes flew open and she pulled away from Maura, pushing away from the kitchen counter to the other side of the room. "I'm sorry," she said over her shoulder.

Maura shook her head and said, "Transference."

Jane turned around and said, "What?"

"Transference is when a patient confuses feelings of gratitude for romantic attraction. I saw you in the hospital and provided some help. It's fine. I'm not-"

"Maura," Jane interrupted.

"Yes?"

"I'm not sorry I kissed you."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry I had to stop. I'm not…shit, I'm not ready yet."

"Of course. I understand. You've been through a lot," Maura rambled.

"No, that's not it. Not exactly."

Maura stood still looking at Jane, still unsure how they went from kissing to standing at opposite ends of the kitchen.

Jane ran her hand through her hair and sighed deeply before saying, "I remember you saying something before, in the hospital, about LSD flashbacks."

Maura slipped easily into doctor mode. "Some people report LSD flashbacks long after use of the drug. In reality it seems to be rare and not well understood, but the research has been limited. I was concerned about lingering effects of LSD in combination with other drugs that were administered at the hospital. But I wouldn't expect that to still be a problem weeks later. What symptoms are you having?"

"I don't want to make a big deal about it," Jane said, which Maura interpreted as Jane not wanting anyone else to know it was happening. She had worked long enough with police officers to know how they felt about showing any weakness.

"I won't tell anyone else anything you tell me."

After a long moment Jane said, "I've been having these… dreams. But they don't feel like dreams, they feel like memories. They feel so real. I know they are things that never happened, but it's confusing, among other things."

Jane leaned back against counter and crossed her arms. Maura moved closer again and said, "And you remember these dreams when you wake up?"

"Yes, unfortunately," Jane said, sighing. "In the dreams, I'm with Hoyt. It's like…it's like we're on dates, and I feel happy to be with him, but none of it really makes any sense and something in my brain tells me it's all wrong. Sometimes I question things in the dream and then he gets angry and that's when I wake up."

"This is what was happening in the hospital," Maura said, putting the pieces together. "I think, anyway," she quickly amended. "You were sleeping, and your vital signs showed signs of a panic attack because you were struggling in your dream."

"I don't remember a lot about the dreams in the hospital, other than the day you woke me up, but that's what I was dreaming about that day."

"How often do you have the dreams now?" Maura asked.

"Every night. He did this to me, right? With the drugs."

"I don't know for sure. Anything I say will only be speculative and I don't like to speculate." At Jane's pleading look, Maura said, "But this is sort of what I had been concerned about. That the combination of drugs in your system when you arrived at the hospital indicated at attempt at altering memories or controlling you in some way. I don't know why you would still be experiencing those symptoms so long after the drugs have left your system.

"What do I do to stop it?" Jane asked.

Maura ventured putting her hand on Jane's arm, and felt Jane's muscles relax under her touch. "I think you'd be better off asking a counselor who can maybe help with strategies for dealing with the dreams. I'm not sure if there is a medical solution."

"If I tell a counselor about these dreams, I may never get to go back to work, and that's not an option."

Maura shook her head and said, "I don't know what else to suggest. But you can talk to me. Maybe that will help?"

"I think it does help."

"I'll keep thinking," Maura offered.

"I'm sorry, this night got weird," Jane said with a self-deprecating laugh.

"I'm totally fine with weird," Maura said.

"Thank you for everything," Jane said, almost reluctantly moving away from Maura to make her way to the front door. At the door she asked, "Can I call you?"

"Anytime," Maura responded, and then watched Jane walk out to her car before closing the door and heading to bed.


End file.
